Didn't We Just Leave This Party?
by Lucillia
Summary: Following the excitement in the London Underground, the Doctor and his companions turn up on an Australian beach in a more familiar 21st century and have a near encounter with the Enemy of Monsanto.


From a Newspaper article dated June 14, 2014:

**Monsanto Corp. Sued for Patent Infringement**

A geneticist named Ramon Salamander has sued Monsanto, claiming that the company stole several years worth of his research and infringed on a patent he'd filed several years before Monsanto's new batch of GMO wheat appeared on the market...

* * *

15 June, 2014

From: Jack Harkness

To: Whoever cloned the Doctor

Subject: "Ramon Salamander"

How many times do I need to tell you that that alien cloning device is not a toy. Seriously, it's not funny.

* * *

15 June, 2014

From: Gwen Cooper, Owen Cooper

To: Jack Harkness

Subject: "Ramon Salamander"

It wasn't us.

* * *

15 June, 2014

From: Torchwood 2

To: Jack Harkness

Subject: "Ramon Salamander"

It wasn't me either. Do you want me to put him on the watchlist in case he turns evil?

* * *

15 June, 2014

From: Brigadier Kate Stewart

To: Jack Harkness

Subject: Ramon Salamander

Oddly enough, Salamander is not a clone. His similarities in appearance to an incarnation of the Doctor appear to be sheer coincidence, much like the Doctor's current resemblance to the late John Frobisher. He has been on our watchlist since we became aware of his existence in 2009 due to an account given to us by James Robert McCrimmon (Black Archives File No. ********). We have also made him aware of the fact that any terrorist activities on his part will be dealt with harshly.

* * *

**23 February, 2018. On the Australian coast**:

"Oh no, not another beach." Jamie groaned, knowing that he and Victoria were in for another several hours of watching the Doctor swim around and build sandcastles while Jamie who couldn't swim got sand in unmentionable places.

As Jamie and Victoria who were still recovering from that Great Intelligence mess in the London Underground watched, the Doctor stripped down to his boxers and dove into the surf.

"Come on in, the water's...Yaaaaaaaaaaaah Jellyfish!" the Doctor exclaimed, racing back towards the shore.

"Jamie, I don't wish to alarm you, but I'll be needing my medkit within the next five minutes." the Doctor said when he flopped down onto the sand, just in reach of the waves which were washing over his ankles as he moaned "Oh dear" in that tone that indicated that what he was actually saying was "shit".

As Jamie ran back to the TARDIS to fetch the medkit, a familiar looking blonde in a police uniform radioed for a medical airlift. As Jamie returned from the TARDIS, Astrid Ferrier was initiating the standard procedure for dealing with Box Jellyfish stings. Jamie did a double-take upon seeing Astrid who was pouring vinegar on the Doctor's leg, looked around at the beach which was mercifully devoid of hovercraft, and back at Astrid who wasn't sporting a Regency inspired look.

"Didn't we just leave this party?" Jamie asked as a Medevac helicopter appeared over the horizon.

**Sydney:**

Ramon Salamander sighed as his security team pushed a path through the sign wielding protesters. After he'd managed to do the impossible and squeeze some blood from the stone that was Monsanto after he'd proven that he'd patented a genetic modification to Wheat that they hadn't thought of yet through a process that their researchers hadn't yet explored, he'd started up his own company and gone into the agriculture business.

With the pushback from Monsanto who didn't like anything being taken from them, he probably would've failed in his endeavors if he hadn't finally reverse engineered that alien sun storage device which could be used to grow crops indoors in an energy-efficient manner. Those U.N.I.T. people had gotten on his case again when they'd seen what he'd created, but they'd eventually backed off and let him have at it, especially after he'd let them tour the entirety of his research facility which had been a renovated warehouse back then.

Why they thought he was keeping people in his basement, he didn't know. And, considering the odd comments he'd overheard, he frankly didn't want to know.

If he'd had his way, nobody would've gone hungry last year. But, with all the pushbacks against genetically modified crops and "unnatural" growing processes...

As he pushed past the environmentalists who would let millions starve if it preserved the life of a single tree frog, his phone gave a chime that indicated that there was a news article about him. Being something of a self-admitted narcissist, he made it a point to read every article that was written about him and watch every news clip or video he could get his hands on. The minute he'd made it through the gauntlet and into the airport, he pulled out his cell phone and pulled up the article.

"Hmmm, apparently I'm in the hospital after having been stung by a Box Jelly," he said before turning to his chief of security. "Donald, be a dear and look into this, would you?"

Sighing, Donald Bruce skimmed the article and then turned and made his way to the ticket counter and booked a domestic flight. He would've thought his time looking into this matter would have been completely wasted if it weren't for the fact that there was a possibility that the Welsh bastard who'd given Salamander his blue eyes had spawned other offspring. Seeing the look on Salamander's face if he turned up with a half-brother would be worth it in his opinion. Besides, he needed something to distinguish himself from his predecessor Giles Kent who'd been caught stealing company secrets, and being willing to go off on wild goose chases at the boss' say-so may as well be it.

After a two-hour flight to the ass end of nowhere whose only redeeming quality was perhaps the nice if somewhat jellyfish infested beach, Bruce made his way to the regional hospital where Salamander's rather convincing double was being held. After showing his credentials, he was led to a room where a thoroughly miserable man who looked almost exactly like Salamander was being entertained by a young girl who couldn't have been older than nineteen, and a young man in a kilt.

"Hello," he said from the doorway. "I'm..."

"Donald Bruce?!" the young Scotsman said, looking at him almost incredulously. "But the people here said there wasnae a head of World Security."

Wondering if there was something wrong with the boy who apparently knew him despite the fact that he'd never met the young man in his entire life, he said. "As I was saying, I'm Donald Bruce, Head of Security for Salamander Incorporated."

"Salamander Incorporated!" the girl exclaimed while the boy in the kilt aggressively placed himself between him and the man on the bed.

"What will you be wantin' with the Doctor?" the boy who had taken a defensive stance asked.

"Just a cheek swab for a genetic comparison." he replied, holding up the testing kit he'd purchased on the way to the hospital.

"You know, I wondered why you didn't try that or at the very least demand my fingerprints the last time." the man on the bed who was apparently awake said in a most distinct English accent.

Whatever he was going to say to the three individuals who all seemed to know him despite the fact that he'd never met them was cut off by the arrival of a blonde woman before he could open his mouth. He didn't recognize the woman, but he recognized the men she was with, because U.N.I.T occasionally made surprise inspections of his employer's facilities, and part of his job was acting as liaison because Salamander was quite tired of dealing with them.

"Hello Doctor," the woman who had something of a military bearing said. "I heard you were in the hospital and decided to visit."

"That's kind of you," the Englishman who was a near perfect doppelganger for Salamander said.

Gesturing to the soldier who was carrying a covered tray, the blonde woman said "I brought you your favorite Doctor, fish fingers and custard."

"Fish fingers and what?!" the Salamander look-alike on the bed exclaimed.

**The next day:**

"I've got good news and strange news." Donald Bruce told his employer as soon as he stepped into the man's office.

"What's the good news?" Salamander asked. After the strangeness of the Doctor's English accent coming from Salamander's face, hearing the familiar mixed Mexican and God only knew what else accent was almost a relief.

"The guy who got stung by a jellyfish was neither a half-brother nor an impostor. The similarities in your appearance was, and I quote 'The universe's idea of a joke'." he said.

"And the strange news?" Salamander asked.

"The reason U.N.I.T. doesn't like you is because in an alternate 21st century, you convinced a bunch of scientists that there had been a nuclear war and used them to work a device that caused natural disasters which you were using in an attempt to take over the world." he replied, still not sure if he should believe the wild story he'd heard.

"Oh, that thing?" Salamander said dismissively, "Torchwood confiscated it ages ago."


End file.
